


Sink to the bottom with this

by Ode_et_amo



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: 90's AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Infidelity, Multi, ginny deserves better, neil cheats on ginny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ode_et_amo/pseuds/Ode_et_amo
Summary: It had gone on for so long that Todd couldn't pin point when it had started. But some moments he remembered, the guilt had pinned them to his brain in a way that made them impossible to forget.There was the moment of Todd's graduation.The funeral of Charlie's father.And the forerunner; Neil and Ginny's wedding.Quitting Neil was like dealing with withdrawal.
Relationships: Chris Noel/Knox Overstreet, Ginny Danbury/Neil Perry, Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Sink to the bottom with this

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! Infidelity, if it makes you uncomfortable don't read this. Also they're kind of jerks in this one, so... very uncool of them. 
> 
> This has been driving me crazy, so I needed to get it out of my system. (For anyone who's been reading "If I love him so..." the last chapter is on its way)
> 
> They're in their late twenties and didn't go to Wellton.
> 
> So this was meant to take place in the 90's (but could be literally any time), so to get you in the mood, here's a short playlist on songs I listened to while writing this.
> 
> Songs:  
> You were meant for me - Jewel  
> Foolish games - Jewel  
> Untouchable face - Ani DiFranco  
> Linger - The Cranbarries  
> Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley  
> Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley  
> Lover, you should've come over - Jeff Buckley  
> (Or you know anything that Jeff Buckley has done)

Waking up with Neil was as close to paradise as Todd was ever going to get. He looked peaceful in sleep, untroubled by his responsibilities. Whenever Todd’s weeks would get a little too stressful he would think of these little moments and try to find tranquility through them. He would spend their mornings together trying to commit every line of Neil’s face to memory. The way his long eyelashes dusted a light shadow over his cheeks. How lax his rosy lips looked, full and slightly open. His brown fringe falling over his still smooth forehead. The rise and fall of his chest. The dip in his throat, bellow his Adam’s apple, curving out from his long and smooth neck.

Todd let his fingers graze over his soft cheek, drawing the tiniest, lightest patterns over the skin. _I love you._ Mouthing the words in silence, knowing he could never say them aloud. The motion is still enough to wake him up. His eyes fluttered open and Todd was once more met by the same deep that always threatened to swallow him whole. His eyes looked like fine cognac in the soft glow of morning piercing through Todd’s curtains. And Todd, he was beyond drunk, had been poisoned by their charm years ago and had yet to find an antidote.

“Morning” Neil murmured.

Todd brushed away his fringe and kissed his brow in answer.

“You missed”

Neil’s mouth was stretching into one of his more infuriating smiles. Todd sighed before leaning forward to align their lips. Neil’s hand came up to card through the fine hair at the nape of Todd’s neck. The languid kisses soon turned more heated, and Todd reluctantly pulled away.

“You should be going”

“I know” Neil said while chasing after Todd’s lips, but Todd wouldn’t let him close the space between them.

“I mean it” Todd said, slowly extracting himself from Neil’s sleep-heavy limbs.

“One for the road?”

Todd smiled at him and pecked his nose before sitting up. He stretched his arms over his head until something between his shoulderblades popped. Their clothes were scattered over the floor, starting somewhere by the door, past the sofa and ending just outside the sleep-alcove substituting for Todd’s bedroom. How come they always began and ended like this?

He could feel Neil’s fingers trail over his back, tracing up his spine, splaying out somewhere over his left kidney. It was one of Neil’s more absurd games, pointing out and naming organs and bones on his naked body. Maybe it was an outlet? All the names he had forced into his head over the years of unwanted medical studies. Let them poor over the only body he wasn’t allowed to touch.

“I had a dream” Neil began, and Todd twisted slightly until he could watch Neil over his shoulder. “We were roommates in a boarding school”

“Hm” Todd acknowledged, having heard a plentitude of versions of the very same dream. Sometimes Neil woke up shaking from them and Todd had to curl close to him draping the duvet tightly around them. Neil would never tell him what the nightmares where about and Todd never asked.

“I watched as you were writing poetry, that’s all I remember” Neil said, smile soft.

Todd nodded and turned his head to watch the time on the alarm clock, its electric glow staring back from the bedside table. It was past nine already.

“You really should be going”

“You want to get rid of me?” Neil asked, curling his arm around Todd’s waist in an attempt to pull him back down against him.

“Won’t Ginny wonder where you are?” Todd said, hating himself for the bitterness he felt at the mention of her name. How it became sweet like molasses, sticky, gluing his lips together.

“Why do you always have to bring her up?”

“Because she is your wife” Todd said, twisting out of Neil’s grasp. “It’s not my fault I seem to care more about her than you do”

And maybe it was low of him, but sometimes he couldn’t help but think that he felt more guilt for this than Neil did.

Todd pulled himself out of bed and started to scoop up the discarded pieces of clothing.

“ _You_ care more?!” Neil’s angered voice rang out from behind him.

Todd didn’t bother answering him. He went past the wardrobe to pick up some clean boxers to pull on, feeling vulnerable under Neil’s heavy gaze.

“If you care so much about her, why are you still sleeping with me?”

“Why are you?” Todd asked, looking up for the briefest moment to see Neil sitting up, duvet pooling around his waist and eyes wild with fury. His passion burned brightly whatever his mood. He was a fire and Todd was chilled to the bone.

“You know why”

“No, Neil, I honestly don’t” Todd said, straightening out. “Maybe it’s because I’m a cheap and easy fuck, huh? A sure thing?”

“Todd…”

“Please, explain, cause I genuinely don’t understand. You’re married to this amazing woman and yet you crawl into my bed every other weekend. Is it because she doesn’t let you do whatever you want?”

“Don’t be like that”

Todd grabbed a pair of jeans strewn over the coffee table, how on earth they ended up there he didn’t know. He threw them on in anxious haste.

“Be like what?” Todd asked, meeting his eyes, hating himself even further for the impact he let Neil’s gaze have on him. The weakness in his knees, the longing in his chest.

“You know this isn’t easy for me”

“For you? It isn’t easy for you?”

“Well, I’m the married one. You get to fuck whoever you want, no strings attached” Neil sneered, his face scrunching up into something ugly, and Todd didn’t understand how something so beautiful could turn this foul.

“Doesn’t seem like holy matrimony is much of a hindrance to that” Todd muttered under his breath, already on the way to throw on a sweater he knew wasn’t his.

“What was that?”

“Nothing” Todd muttered, making his way to the hall, where he patted down his jacket after a wallet.

“What are you doing?” Neil came after him, duvet thrown over his shoulders and held tight to his body, leaving nothing but his head and shins visible. There was a slight panic to him now. Todd knew how he detested to be left behind, but he could have it for all the times he had left Todd. It wasn’t like Todd hated it less. Wasn’t like he coped better. He just forced himself through it. This, whatever it was, was the only way for Todd to keep the smallest piece of Neil, if he gave it up because he couldn’t cope with solitude he’d lose him forever.

“I’m going out to get breakfast and when I return I want you to be gone”

“Todd, wait! Todd!”

But Todd was already grabbing his keys and throwing himself out the door and down the stairs. The air was chill, like a slap to his face, but maybe it would help rose him. He drew the long sleeves over his hands and curling his arms around his chest. He didn’t start running until he reached the corner, in case Neil would watch him from the window.

He made his way to his usual breakfast place. Neil wouldn’t follow him, but if he wanted to he could easily find him. Cause that was the thing wasn’t it? Todd was convenient, always made himself so goddamn convenient for Neil.

Todd hurried inside the café. It was a small corner shop called the Society, cursed to attract college students and commies by sheer power of name. They made mean grilled sandwiches though, and had coffee bitter enough to make your toes curl. Todd desperately needed something to burn away the taste of Neil from his tongue.

A small cue had formed and he placed himself at the back of it, trying to make his mind shut up as it replayed every word he’d ever said to Neil.

Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around expecting… Well, he didn’t expect as much as hoped it would be Neil. Instead he was faced with Ginny’s bright smile.

He wanted to puke.

“Todd! Hi, how are you?”

“Good” Todd nodded. “And you? On the way to work?”

“Good, good. Yes, but I could sleep in today at least. Thought I was gonna catch Neil before I left though” she said frowning slightly, and Todd, not for the first time, felt the guilt crawling its way up his throat, threatening to spill from his lips.

“Oh, he stayed with me, on the couch” Todd said. He was a useless liar, but the thing is, when no one expects you to lie they don’t catch you doing it. “Didn’t want to disturb you by coming in late, I think”

“I thought so” Ginny said, smiling again. “He’s real sweet sometimes”

Todd didn’t say anything.

“So how was your pub crawl? Or whatever it was Charlie was going on about”

“Uh, yeah” Todd said, and sure, the night had started with them going to a couple of pubs with Charlie and Gerard, but had soon devolved into an excuse for Todd and Neil to get their hands on each other. “It was good”

Ginny nodded. “I assume Neil left for home already?”

“Yeah, he should be on his way” Todd said, and by that point they had reached the front of the line and Todd motioned for Ginny to order first. She smiled gratefully and took a moment to consider her choices. Todd stared at the back of her head, the soft curls of brown hair cascading down over her shoulders, and all Todd could think was: _I’m fucking your husband, I’m fucking your husband, I’m fucking your husband._

Ginny moved to pay, but at that point Todd’s guilt was so overwhelming that he cut between her, reaching out a couple of bills. Ginny gave him a funny look.

“You’re in a hurry, I can pay” Todd excused.

“It’s fine, Todd I can…”

“No, I insist”

Ginny’s face grew even stranger. He was usually so quiet around her it probably surprised her to see this kind of goodwill from him. He’d been a wall-flower when he was first introduced to her, already in love with her boyfriend. Having to lie to her hadn’t made their non-existing relationship any smoother. He’d figured that not saying much at all would be the better option.

But…

He wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her so bad. Not out of spite or to gloat, but because he liked to believe that he respected her and anyway she deserved to know. But he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t, she would hate him. And more importantly she would hate Neil.

“Thank you, Todd”

“No need”

She gave him one of her wide smiles, something glimmering in her eyes. Fleeting but concrete. It looked like curiosity.

Todd nodded before ordering for himself. Ginny got her breakfast before he did and hurried away. She left him with a bright goodbye and a heartfelt thank you.

And a bucketful of unbridled guilt.

______

It had gone on for so long that Todd couldn’t pin point when it had started, had lost track of its shape, like the contours had faded out. But some moments he remembered, the guilt had pinned them to his brain in a way that made them impossible to forget. Not without a decent therapist, something he couldn’t afford. 

There was the moment of Todd’s graduation, which Todd’s parents hadn’t bothered attending since he had chosen to major in a subject they didn’t approve of. The poets had all been there though, the only people in the world who mattered. Ginny had helped them to organize a party, and Neil had blown him in the bathroom.

The baptizing of Knox’s daughter. An event that occurred almost a week after Neil had proposed to Ginny. Todd had felt sore about it and had tried to avoid Neil as best as he could, something that inevitably led to Neil chasing him down. They had kissed, nothing more, maybe as a way of saying goodbye. It hadn’t been heartfelt enough.

The funeral of Charlie’s father. An occasion they had attended only to keep Charlie upright. He wasn’t distraught, but had been drinking enough to emulate the feeling. When Knox had tried to pry a whiskey-bottle from Charlie’s grasp, Neil had pushed Todd behind a door to mark up his neck with love-bites, a hand easily finding its way down his trousers, all the while whispering incoherent version of ‘ _you make me feel alive’._

Meeks’ house-warming party, where they had all gotten black out drunk. Charlie had shaved off one eyebrow and Pitts had fallen asleep in the shower. The only thing Todd really remembered was waking up with Neil between his thighs in Meeks’ unmade bed.

And the forerunner; Neil’s and Ginny’s wedding. Something Todd only thought about when he really wanted to punish himself. Neil hadn’t asked him to be the best man and he was eternally grateful for it. It had been a sweet enough occasion and he even managed to hold a speech without his voice breaking a single note. Afterwards he found Neil throwing up in a bathroom stall. He just hid his face in the curve of Neil’s neck as he let Neil fuck him against the wall. Ginny’s brother almost walked in on them. 

______

Todd did hours as a substitute teacher for one Mr. Keating, his old high school English teacher. He liked it enough, usually just let the students write poetry or whatever else they wanted to create, knowing he could never compare to Keating’s enthusiasm.

He usually spend his lunchbreak with the math-teacher and art-teacher, since they were the only people his own age. Cameron was a stiff looking young man with dark ginger hair, who no one ever called by his first name, not even his own girlfriend. Tina was a bohemian with a knack for everything vintage. At this point in their brief acquaintance they were already too invested in Todd’s barely existing love life.

“So did you see him this weekend?” Tina asked as soon as she sat down opposite Todd.

Todd sighed but gave a curt nod.

“And? Did you tell him?” Cameron asked, pretending to seem uninterested as he poked at as his pasta.

Todd took a deep breath, than shook his head. “I couldn’t”

“But you have to!” Tina exclaimed.

“This is not one of your romance novels” Todd said, poking at his own food with disinterest.

“How long have you been in love with him now?” Cameron asked.

“Since we were seventeen”

“Isn’t it time to do something about it then?”

“It’s too late” Todd sighed, deciding he wasn’t hungry.

______

Charlie had found a nook in which you could get ridiculously drunk while listening to poetry and it was everything anyone of them could ask for. They ordered drinks and curled together on a couch near the stage. Tuning out the love-sick lamenting or the sporadic worship of nature.

Charlie complained about his soul-sucker of a boss, all the while smoking cigarettes like he was the sole contributor to the tobacco-industry’s survival.

Knox then proceeded to tell them about his daughter’s achievements in kindergarten and his son’s first word. Which happened to be ‘fuck’, in no small amount due to Charlie’s unfortunate influence. They all had a great laugh at that.

Then Neil told them about his internship at the local practice and the pressure from his parents to do better. A song they were already well-versed with. He didn’t mention Ginny, he never did when Todd was around and they all pretend like that was normal.

Lastly Steven and Gerard declared that they had finally managed to get their heads out of their asses and were now in the process of moving in together. Neil congratulated them by ordering the next round.

“And what about you Todd?” asked Pitts.

“What about me?”

“What have you been up to?” Knox clarified.

“Nothing” Todd said, trying so damn hard not to let his eyes stray to Neil’s back where he stood in the bar, answering a smile from a blushing woman. “I’m thinking about writing a novel”

“Yeah, that’s nice! What’s it gonna be about?” Charlie asked, hair standing each way, smile far too polite and far too knowing.

“How to break up with someone” Todd murmured, and received pitying looks from the lot of them. This was the worst part. Nothing was kept secret for very long in their little group. The thing between him and Neil had been an open secret ever since it began.

Charlie smoothly changed the subject when he saw Neil approaching with a tray of tumblers.

“So as I was telling Knox the other day, you really should spread your music out there”

Knox nodded eagerly, like this was something he and Charlie had actually discussed. Maybe it was.

“Are we talking about Todd’s songwriting?” Neil asked, smile wide and easy. “You’re amazing! It’s a shame if it should never reach further than your apartment.”

This was what he got for having been coursed into singing for them that once.

Neil handed him a glass of some dark liquor, his fingers brushing over Todd’s and Todd, despite this happening every single time, blushed.

Charlie cleared his throat. “As I said, me and Knox have been discussing whether you could play something at his and Chris’ anniversary. Isn’t that right, Knoxious?”

“Oh, yeah, it would be really great if you did! Chris still doesn’t believe that I’m friends with the next Jeff Buckley”

“That’s because you’re not” Todd deadpanned, and before the conversation could continue any further Meeks changed the subject.

They spend the following hours in comfortable drunkenness, laughing and talking amiable. Todd went to the bathroom and as he came back he saw Charlie and Neil outside sharing a smoke, even though Neil had promised Ginny to give up smoking. There was a lot of things he had promised her.

Todd turned the corner at the same time they entered.

“No, Neil! I’m not covering for you anymore! Ginny is my friend too and you’re treating her like shit!”

“Please, Charlie, it would just be for a weekend. He’s never seen the ocean and I thought…”

“Stop thinking it!” Charlie ordered. “How long do you expect this to go on? Don’t you think Ginny will figure it out or that Todd will get bored of you? Cause trust me he will”

Todd felt his heart leap into his throat and before he could hear Neil’s reply he had scurried his way over to their table. 

______

Once the night was over, Charlie had helped a drunk Neil into a cab and then offered to walk Todd home. They hadn’t even walked a block before Charlie told him what he had already overheard.

“The thing is, it’s really up to you.”

“What do you mean?” Todd asked, desperation leaking through the cracks.

“Neil has never stood up for anything in his life! He will never tell Ginny”

“You want _me_ to tell her?!”

“No, I want you to quit him” Charlie said, his eyes had a coldness to them that few people were aware of. He was usually too good at hiding it behind another one of his grins. Apart from Meeks he was probably the one of them who was best at hiding his emotions.

“Don’t you think I’ve tried?”

Tears clogged up his throat, because quitting Neil was like dealing with withdrawal. Charlie took pity on him then and threw an arm around his waist to pull him in closer.

“I don’t understand how he can do this to either of you. How does he sleep at night?”

With nightmares, Todd thought.

______

Ginny had invited him to dinner, because Neil was crap at those kind of things. He showed up at their front door, arriving at the same time as Knox and Chris. Knox placed a calming hand on his shoulder as Chris pressed the doorbell. Neil opened with a smile on his mouth and a frown in his eyes, pulling them into polite hugs. Todd let his hand trail over his back up to stroke at the nape of his neck and Neil visibly relaxed. 

Neil than proceeded to usher them into the living room where Ginny sat talking with another brunette. When Ginny saw them entering she rose from her place to embrace first Chris and then Knox and Todd. She then turned to introduce the woman.

“This is Patricia, we work together”

Todd and Patricia was seated together. This was not the first time Ginny had tried to set him up with a friend or a colleague of hers. It was done in kindness, Todd just wasn’t all that into women. He wasn’t really interested in men either, Ginny had tried that as well. Another of her colleagues, a man even shyer than Todd with a horrible asthma.

He just wanted Neil.

“I heard you’re a teacher” Patricia said. “How is that like?”

“Ever met high schoolers?” Todd joked and Patricia pretended to wince before laughing. 

Seated opposite him, Neil coughed before spearing an asparagus. Todd decided to be friendly with Patricia, asking her about her work and hobbies, realizing pretty quickly that she was a really good converser and that he was enjoying himself more than he expected he would. 

Neil’s foot shot out under the table to graze his shin, but Todd retracted it, making Neil scowl. Knox looked like he wanted to kill them, then smiled sweetly when Chris frowned at him.

Todd offered to help clear the table alongside Neil. Knox having a vague idea where that would end, volunteered to help them. So instead of Neil pressing up against his back as he scraped the leftover food from the plates, Knox stood beside him to wash the plates under a spray of lukewarm water before placing them in the dishwasher. All the while Neil stood at the opposite end of the kitchen preparing dessert.

When they were done washing up, Todd and Knox made their way back to the table, but as Todd passed, Neil pulled him in by the waist. His breath, warm and heavy and full of barely suppressed desire, fell against his ear.

“Meet me outside after dessert”

And Todd was helpless to deny him anything.

Neil waited for him on the porch. This fucking house he claimed to hate so much, with all its nooks and crannies to hide illicit lovers. Todd was pulled against his chest into a dark corner where the light didn’t quite reach. Neil’s lips were bruising where they made their track down Todd’s throat, his hands already working at Todd’s belt.

But Knox would come looking. He would see them, become angry and tell Charlie next time he saw him. And Charlie would chaperone them for the rest of their lives if Todd didn’t end this now.

“Neil” Todd moaned, pushing slightly at Neil’s chest, but Neil didn’t take the hint and only leaned in closer. “Neil, stop”

Neil leaned back, confusion written all over his face and Todd just wanted to reach out and smooth away the creases. To pull him back in and forget everything else but Neil.

“We can’t” Todd whispered, it must have been years since he had last said it, the words foreign and clumsy. 

“What do you mean?”

“I just… This has to stop, we can’t do this any longer”

Neil’s hands held tightly to Todd’s waist, pinning him against the wall with his lower body.

“Did Charlie talk to you?” Neil asked, laughing bitterly.

“So what? He’s right, isn’t he?”

“You’re bored of me?”

Neil was letting go of him and Todd wanted to reach out, to replace his hands on his body. Press them to his chest so Neil could feel what he did to him. How his heart never held a steady rhythm in Neil’s presence.

The longer he waited with his answer the more Neil’s face closed down. Slowly becoming indifferent. Those were the moment Todd hated the most.

“Neil…” Todd said, reaching out to brush his fingers against Neil’s stomach but Neil turned away as if burned. “I’m sorry”

“You really mean it this time?”

He’d meant it every time, he was just bad at the follow-up. Todd nodded.

“Why?”

There was tears in his eyes now, and Todd had to look away before the last of his resolution crumbled. There’d be nothing left of him then. All that mattered already belonged to Neil.

“Because you will never leave her”

He could hear the sob break away and he forced himself to close his eyes.

Not long after, Knox did come looking for them. Neil plastered a smile on his face, but it seemed even Knox understood what had happened, and with some grace Todd didn’t knew he possessed, he had made up an excuse for Todd to leave.

______

Staying away from Neil meant staying away from Charlie, from Knox and his family. It meant staying away from the theatre and the park, and dark liquor for it reminded him too much of Neil’s eyes. It meant abstaining from the notebooks filled with the pieces of Neil his words had obtained. It meant buying a new set of bed-sheets that Neil’s skin had never touched. It meant tearing out his fucking heart and let the crows have at it.

Eventually he ended up in the stairs leading up to Meeks and Pitts’ apartment. Gerard found him on his way out for a run and immediately sat down beside him. Todd let himself be drawn into his long arms and healing embrace.

“Charlie told us” Pitts said, and that was all Todd needed to hear for the tears to come.

Meeks didn’t even look surprised when Todd was lead into the apartment and settled on the couch. He just poured him a glass of water and settled down beside him.

“Whenever you’re ready” he said.

Todd stayed on their couch for the rest of the day, only really surfacing when the sun was already on its way down. Slowly he made his shuffled way into the kitchen where Meeks sat going over some papers. He looked up when Todd sat down.

“How are you feeling?”

Todd shrugged and Meeks reached over to grasp his hand. They sat like that in silence until Gerard came bustling through the front door with pizza from the place down the street.

Meeks helped him set the table, planting a soft kiss to Pitts’ cheek and he broke out into a wide smile, nuzzling closer. Todd was happy for them, but couldn’t help the sting of envy he felt when watching them. He remembered Meeks having told him about the first time they had decided to try sex, but the both of them had found it so awkward that they had gotten dressed and curled up watching a movie instead. That’s what he missed the most. The friendship he had first developed with Neil. But it always got swallowed up by their desires.

“Maybe you should try a one night stand?” Gerard suggested ever helpful, taking a bite of his pizza slice.

“Perhaps you should look for someone who doesn’t leave before breakfast” Meeks said, a meaningful glance exchanged with his boyfriend.

“Maybe I should swear off love all together for a while” Todd said and that was the end of that.

Pitts had found the time to hire some movies on his way to get the pizza and they were now curled up on the sofa watching Jurassic Park. Meeks soon falling asleep against Pitts’ shoulder. From the corner of his eyes, Todd could see the complete devotion in Gerard’s eyes as he looked at Steven, brushing his lips slightly over the red, curly hair.

______

If anyone asks, he claims he doesn’t remember the first time. The problem is he remember it too vividly and he knows that nothing which happened after that moment would ever measure up. If no one asks and leaves him to think of it in solitude, he remembers that there was nothing to chase away. No ghost, no hollow, no lingering shadow. It was just the two of them, dumb high school kids, last summer before college, believing the world would never corrupt them. Could never change them, never tear them apart.

He’d held so tight to Neil’s shaking body that he had feared they would merge. Then he’d been promptly disappointed when that hadn’t happened. When Neil pulled away, his eyes had lingered on Todd’s face and they had been so full of adoration. Todd had never felt as cherished as he did in that moment. As if he hadn’t existed until Neil saw him.

He had almost told him then, but had thought it was too soon.

Then when autumn came around, Neil introduced him to Ginny. Something hollow starting to creep into his eyes as he told him how well his parents took to her. How she made even Neil’s father laugh.

Neil had never looked for love, he’d always looked for approval.

Todd understood then, that even if he had told him, it would already have been too late.

_______

Despite the added pressure from Charlie, Knox did not manage to convince Todd to sing at his and Chris’ anniversary. They had wanted him to sing something original and he could never do that. He never wrote about love, but even if he did, his words would only ever circle back to Neil. And that was something he was pretty certain that neither Knox nor Chris was particularly interested in.

He went alone, the odd one out. As he watched the rest of them in paired-off bliss. Knox and Chris, Charlie and Gloria, Meeks and Pitts.

Neil and Ginny. 

Todd hadn’t seen either of them since the dinner party almost two months ago. They looked good. They always did, like they had been created in the same light. Perfection personified. The part that hurt the most was how fucking happy they looked. 

Todd wished there had been a kids table he could sit at. Instead he was squeezed in between Charlie and Knox. A place one should fear to find themselves. It didn’t take too long before they got into yet another pointless argument, executed over Todd’s plate, behind his back and over his head. Charlie’s arms flying everywhere smacking him in the shoulder and then his hand collided with the water pitcher and sent its content flying into Todd’s lap.

“Fuck, I’m sorry!” Charlie exclaimed. 

Todd waved him away and stood up, on his way to the bathroom, when Knox’s hand stopped him, telling him to borrow some sweats.

“Just grab them from the hanger”

“No, I put them in the wardrobe” Chris intercepted. “It’s in the bedroom, Todd. First to the left”

Todd nodded.

He was just about to pull on a pair of Knox’s sweatpants when a knock fell on the door.

He should have been more surprised, more irritated, more anything at seeing Neil being the one to step into the bedroom. But he knew, of course he did, they had danced this jig for too long now.

“Oh, sorry”

Neil quickly turned his eyes away, as if he hadn’t seen all of Todd already. As if he didn’t know Todd’s dips and curves by heart.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before” Todd murmured, and pulled the pants over his hips.

“I- yeah” Neil said, looking back at him once more and Todd wanted to pull him against him. Consequences be damned. “I wanted to talk… we should probably… Do you wanna grab a coffee? Wednesday?”

Todd nodded. “Wednesday’s good”

“Yeah? Good, good.” Neil said, looking sheepish suddenly and Todd wanted to tell him then. Instead he reached out a hand, let his fingers graze above Neil’s chest, settle against his heart. And maybe he understood, or maybe he didn’t, Todd would never know for as Neil was about to say something Ginny’s voice called for him.

______

They never got that coffee.

Not for lack of trying, they just didn’t get that far. Maybe they didn’t know how to talk unless they burned away everything that hung between them first.

They moved against each other, rolled like waves crashing to shore. Todd clings to Neil’s body. His nails digging into Neil’s back, his legs wrapped around Neil’s hips. Neil’s fevered kisses down his neck. Neil’s hands on him burns into his skin. And it takes everything Todd is not to lose himself. For if he does he will never become himself again. There will be nothing left of him that isn’t Neil’s already.

Neil buries his face in Todd’s hair when he comes, and Todd has to bite his tongue so hard he tastes blood. The words are always there, caged by unwilling lips. _I love you, I love you, I love you._

They end up on their sides, watching each other through sleep muddled eyes. Neil’s smile is soft and adoring. His fingers strokes down the side of Todd’s face.

“You make me make sense of myself” he says, and somehow Todd doesn’t feel like that’s a compliment. He just hums in answer, and Neil’s smile widens somewhat.

“You’re nightmare” Todd says then, before sleeps threatens to overtake. “I never ask you, what are they about?”

Neil’s smile falters, but his hand never leaves Todd’s skin. Todd pushes closer until there’s barely an inch between them.

“It’s always the boarding school” Neil begins. “It’s winter and I’m in my father’s office, putting his pistol against my temple. Revenge, for the life he forced me to lead. Sometimes I can’t help but think it would have been better”

Todd’s heart breaks. He has no words for him, but his lips find Neil’s skin, his temple, his cheek, his nose and his lips. It takes a moment before they resurface.

“But then I see your tear-streaked face out in the snow, and I realize it’s the worst part” Neil whispers, breathing life into Todd’s lunges. “Leaving you behind is always the worst part”

Todd’s supposed to be the one who can spin any word into poetry, but he can’t speak. He never could. Instead he pushes even closer, gives himself up. He lets Neil have the last piece of him. 

_______

Barely twenty minutes after Neil leaves, there is a knock on the door and Todd’s heart leaps into his throat. Neil never returns, but maybe he’s finally made up his mind. Maybe, against all hope, he’s chosen Todd.

When Todd opens the door, he’s heart is already beating a staccato rhythm and his lunges are working overtime. It’s not Neil, it never is. It’s Ginny. She always appears in her husband’s wake. A ghost of him.

Her mouth is already moving, as if she had begun the conversation at the bottom of the stairs.

“Todd, I need to speak to you. You know Neil better than anyone else and I think…”

Todd wordlessly moves aside, let’s her inside his tiny apartment. Suddenly afraid that she has developed a superior sense of smell, that she can sense Neil’s scent clinging to the wallpaper.

She’s still talking.

“No, I know. I know he’s cheating on me. I just thought maybe you knew… Am I right or am I being silly?”

 _It’s over,_ Todd manages to think before his heart stops. Ginny’s eyes are pleading, but when he’s refraining from answering she becomes angry.

“Don’t you dare lie on his behalf!” she shouts. “Is Neil having an affair?”

He can’t do this anymore.

“Yes”

Ginny has tears in her eyes, but her voice is stern. “Who is she?”

“I’m so sorry”

No matter how many times he repeats it, no matter how he intones it, the words won’t solve anything. They don’t become magical, they don’t become sincere enough. They heal nothing.

Ginny looks confused at him, and it takes a while for him to realize that it’s the sweater she looks at. It’s blue, soft to the touch, the arms are slightly too long and it smells of Neil.

“I gave him that for Christmas”

Then she’s moving. Like a bloodhound she makes her way around the tiny apartment. Tearing through it as if she would find Neil in some hidden cranny. Once she’s turned the place upside down she ends up by the bedside table, a slip of paper in her raised hand, catching some of the dwindling sunlight.

Todd sidles up to her and she lets him. They read it together and neither have any tears left.

 _Because I love you – N_

_______

Charlie calls him in the middle of the night, cause to him, time is just a construct.

“You told her.” 

It’s not meant as an accusation, but maybe it’s not far off. Todd doesn’t answer, partly because he’s so tired that he really just wants to cry and he knows that Charlie isn’t done.

“I’m almost proud of you… Well, obviously I’m not proud, but you got guts” Charlie chuckles, but they both know it’s not funny. “More than Neil has anyway”

He then proceeds to tell him that Neil has moved in on his couch, and that Gloria has broken up with him. Todd murmur some consolation, but Charlie’s not too concerned. They split at least once a year. Before he hangs up, however, he tells Todd that maybe he shouldn’t visit for a while, and Todd has no intention to.

Later he finds out that Chris banned Knox to the doghouse once she realized that he _knew._ Knox obviously doesn’t want to see him either. 

Meeks and Pitts are supportive enough, never further away than a phone call, but Todd knows their lives are just waiting to move on and he leaves them to it. 

He goes upstate to visit his brother. He hasn’t seen his nieces in too long. The quiet of the country house makes him realize this is something he should have done years ago. It soothes away all the wrinkles, leaves him clean, ironed and flat.

The soft gazes exchanged between Jeff and his wife, Esther, gives him perspective.

Jeff brings him fishing, something Todd has never been inclined to, but now he finds himself appreciating the peace of it. He also appreciates his brother’s careful advice, something he never thought he would.

“Are you in love with him or just the idea of him?”

And Todd has no answer. The words dwindle from his mouth, drops like stones and briefly he wants to leave them in the lake. He watches them sink, and only Jeff’s hand on his shoulder keeps him from diving in after them.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I was really torn when writing the end cause on the one hand I wanted to write a happy ending, on the other hand they don't really deserve it in this one.  
> Next time I'll try to be kinder to Ginny I promise (I really love fanons version of her)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
